Dear Ethan,
So I have found it to be a little difficult to come up with insightful and poignant, letters with great frequency. I am not going to stop trying though, but some letters might be shorter than others. You seem to be growing and changing every day and right before my eyes. My favorite thing you do now, well two of my favorite things are when you want to be picked up you push me or Mom until we are facing you and then you put your arms up. It is especially heart warming when we are facing the counter in the kitchen and you push on us. The other thing that I love is when I am holding you and I want to put you down and I ask "Can I put you down?" you shake your head "no" and hold on tighter. The greatest feeling in the world is knowing that I am loved by you and you want to be near me.
Love,
Dad
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I choose life
Ethan,
I don't want to die. I have abused my body for years by eating garbage and doing little to no exercise. I want to live. I want to live to see you graduate from High School, I want to live to see you graduate from college and get married. I want to live to see you live. You and your Mom are the most important people to me and I have to fight now to keep myself around for you and her.
Love,
Dad
I don't want to die. I have abused my body for years by eating garbage and doing little to no exercise. I want to live. I want to live to see you graduate from High School, I want to live to see you graduate from college and get married. I want to live to see you live. You and your Mom are the most important people to me and I have to fight now to keep myself around for you and her.
Love,
Dad
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Loss
Dear Ethan,
Last Friday I had to euthanize our cat Baile. You'll probably not remember him when your older but I'm sure you'll see some pictures. He was my friend and companion for almost 17 years. He was a very special cat and will be missed. When I first got him he was rescued along with the rest of his litter mates and his mother. He came to live in my little one room house in College Station, and spent most of the first 6 weeks with me hiding behind the sofa. He would only come out to eat and he usually did that when I wasn't home. Some of the things that made him special were that he would come when I would call him, most cats just ignore you, and that he would follow me around from room to room. He would also jump up on the bed and scratch the sheets near my head until I let him under the covers. Once there, he would make his way to my feet and curl up and sleep. The last few months were very stressful and difficult, I don't think I realized just how sick he was, and of course he couldn't tell me. He would meow and want food almost constantly, and sometimes when I put it down he wouldn't eat any. It was very difficult. It's strange but I feel relieved that he is no longer suffering. I am glad you are so young that I didn't have to explain any of this to you. You have more than enough time to learn about life and death. I have had to deal with it many times and it never gets any easier. My only advice to you for the future is to keep moving forward. Remember all of the good times and keep moving forward. There will never be another Baile and I don't think I'll ever want another cat, because none could ever be as cool as Baile was.
Miss you buddy!
Dad
Last Friday I had to euthanize our cat Baile. You'll probably not remember him when your older but I'm sure you'll see some pictures. He was my friend and companion for almost 17 years. He was a very special cat and will be missed. When I first got him he was rescued along with the rest of his litter mates and his mother. He came to live in my little one room house in College Station, and spent most of the first 6 weeks with me hiding behind the sofa. He would only come out to eat and he usually did that when I wasn't home. Some of the things that made him special were that he would come when I would call him, most cats just ignore you, and that he would follow me around from room to room. He would also jump up on the bed and scratch the sheets near my head until I let him under the covers. Once there, he would make his way to my feet and curl up and sleep. The last few months were very stressful and difficult, I don't think I realized just how sick he was, and of course he couldn't tell me. He would meow and want food almost constantly, and sometimes when I put it down he wouldn't eat any. It was very difficult. It's strange but I feel relieved that he is no longer suffering. I am glad you are so young that I didn't have to explain any of this to you. You have more than enough time to learn about life and death. I have had to deal with it many times and it never gets any easier. My only advice to you for the future is to keep moving forward. Remember all of the good times and keep moving forward. There will never be another Baile and I don't think I'll ever want another cat, because none could ever be as cool as Baile was.
Miss you buddy!
Dad
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
My favorite part of the day.
Ethan,
It's taken you a while but you have finally adjusted to the new day care we put you in. It was a really tough couple of months but we have both come through it unscathed. Every day you become more and more independent and you get frustrated with Mom and I interfering with you. The other day when I was walking you to the car I was trying to hold your hand but you were pulling away and then used your other hand to push mine away. You also would rather sit at the little table Granny gave you than in your high chair. As independent as you are you still need us! Getting back to my favorite part of the day.....All day I look forward to coming to pick you up from day care. When I walk in that classroom and you show me the biggest smile and come running towards me laughing it makes everything else in this world meaningless.
Love,
Dad
It's taken you a while but you have finally adjusted to the new day care we put you in. It was a really tough couple of months but we have both come through it unscathed. Every day you become more and more independent and you get frustrated with Mom and I interfering with you. The other day when I was walking you to the car I was trying to hold your hand but you were pulling away and then used your other hand to push mine away. You also would rather sit at the little table Granny gave you than in your high chair. As independent as you are you still need us! Getting back to my favorite part of the day.....All day I look forward to coming to pick you up from day care. When I walk in that classroom and you show me the biggest smile and come running towards me laughing it makes everything else in this world meaningless.
Love,
Dad
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Changes
1/18/2011
Ethan,
It's been a while since I wrote you a letter but things have just been going on without many changes, and the time just seems to fly past. In the last two weeks however there have been some major changes. We got a call from Darrel on a Saturday and he told us that Candace would no longer be able to watch you because of health reasons. Your Mom and I were devastated. We had really come to like Candace and Darrel, and we know that they really like you. That was the first big change for 2011, the next came last weekend when we took you for your first haircut. Up until then you had long straggly hair that grew over your ears and into your eyes, it was the same hair you had had since you were born, and you still looked like our little baby. After the barber cut your hair you no longer looked like my little baby but you looked like a little boy. Growing up and changing in the span of 15 minutes, was painful, and as I sit here and write this I want your long straggly hair back. I want it back more than anything in this world. Its odd, I have written about how I can't wait to play catch with you and go camping and fishing, but at the same time I don't want to see you grow up. The next big change for you has been going to a new day care center. Your Mom and I wanted you to have some stability, and an actual center seemed to offer that more than an in home day care. You have been quite unhappy the last few days when I have dropped you off. You have cried and thrown yourself on the floor and been generally unhappy. Mom and I have not been the best at making your transition a smooth one but we are going to work on that. I have always struggled with change. I don't like to get out of my comfort zone so I know how hard this is for you. I have to tell you now that it will never end. Change comes constantly. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad, but it's how you handle it that determines how it affects you. Losing my grandfather (who you're named after) was a tough change, and so was losing my step-dad (who helped raise me). The best changes in my life have been marrying your mother, and having you. Changes can be good or bad but with every change comes a new chapter and a new adventure.
Love,
Dad
Ethan,
It's been a while since I wrote you a letter but things have just been going on without many changes, and the time just seems to fly past. In the last two weeks however there have been some major changes. We got a call from Darrel on a Saturday and he told us that Candace would no longer be able to watch you because of health reasons. Your Mom and I were devastated. We had really come to like Candace and Darrel, and we know that they really like you. That was the first big change for 2011, the next came last weekend when we took you for your first haircut. Up until then you had long straggly hair that grew over your ears and into your eyes, it was the same hair you had had since you were born, and you still looked like our little baby. After the barber cut your hair you no longer looked like my little baby but you looked like a little boy. Growing up and changing in the span of 15 minutes, was painful, and as I sit here and write this I want your long straggly hair back. I want it back more than anything in this world. Its odd, I have written about how I can't wait to play catch with you and go camping and fishing, but at the same time I don't want to see you grow up. The next big change for you has been going to a new day care center. Your Mom and I wanted you to have some stability, and an actual center seemed to offer that more than an in home day care. You have been quite unhappy the last few days when I have dropped you off. You have cried and thrown yourself on the floor and been generally unhappy. Mom and I have not been the best at making your transition a smooth one but we are going to work on that. I have always struggled with change. I don't like to get out of my comfort zone so I know how hard this is for you. I have to tell you now that it will never end. Change comes constantly. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad, but it's how you handle it that determines how it affects you. Losing my grandfather (who you're named after) was a tough change, and so was losing my step-dad (who helped raise me). The best changes in my life have been marrying your mother, and having you. Changes can be good or bad but with every change comes a new chapter and a new adventure.
Love,
Dad
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Lessons
Ethan,
Your mom has been out of town for business for the last ten days and I've missed her terribly. You have probably been slightly aware that something is not quite right in your world and with so many teeth coming in (5 or 6 you won't let me count.) it has been a trying time for you. Thankfully you probably won't remember what you have been going through. It has been a difficult time for me as well, you've grown and changed so much since the last time your mom went out of town. You are becoming a person, your personality is starting to show a little more each day.
I am sure there will be many many more to come, but here are a few lessons I have learned from you over the last ten days.
Lesson 1: I love you more than I could ever tell you. You are in my every thought all day long.
Lesson 2: Patience. You don't always want to cooperate with me, and I am sure that this is just the beginning, but I can't get angry with you or lose my temper because that gets both of us nowhere. It upsets you more, which upsets me more and then a vicious cycle has begun.
Lesson 3: The simple things can be more fun than you can imagine. Your favorite game at the moment is to hide behind the curtain and have me or Aillinn play with you. You giggle and laugh, then poke your head out from behind the curtain as if to say "I'm still here! Keep playing!" Last night you were at the back door playing and all I could see were your legs sticking out from underneath the curtains. I was standing watching, and you poked your head out a few times to see if I was still there. You were so content to just sit there and play, who was I to argue?
Lesson 4: Your pain is my pain. Your suffering is my suffering. You were in so much pain this week from your teeth that you were really not yourself. The hardest thing to deal with was that while you were enduring it there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I was in agony watching you sitting in your crib crying, or in your high chair crying, or even sitting in my lap crying. No matter how hard I try I can never spare you from pain and suffering, but what I can offer you is love. Pain, suffering, and love shape us into the people we are, and the people we can become. It will never be easy to see you hurting, but if I had not witnessed what I did, I would not be writing this and understanding how much I love you.
Lesson 5: I miss you when you're not around. You spent the night with your grandmother over the weekend for the first time. It was very difficult to let you go. I found myself thinking when I passed your room that I needed to check on you. When I was making dinner I caught myself thinking "What should I make Ethan for dinner?" and when I woke up the next morning I went to your room but you weren't there. I missed you.
Love,
Dad
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
First Birthday
Ethan,
A few weeks ago we celebrated your first birthday. Your grandmother from New York and Aunt E, from New York both came down to help you celebrate. It seems like such an incredible milestone. I have survived, you have survived and your mother has survived. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I look at your pictures and the video from month's ago and you only have a passing resemblance to your younger self. You are becoming so independent. You want to feed yourself, you want to walk instead of crawl, and you stomp your feet or fall down when you don't get what you want. As I think about it I miss those times when you were completely dependent on us, but I am so much more excited about what the future holds.
Love,
Dad
A few weeks ago we celebrated your first birthday. Your grandmother from New York and Aunt E, from New York both came down to help you celebrate. It seems like such an incredible milestone. I have survived, you have survived and your mother has survived. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. I look at your pictures and the video from month's ago and you only have a passing resemblance to your younger self. You are becoming so independent. You want to feed yourself, you want to walk instead of crawl, and you stomp your feet or fall down when you don't get what you want. As I think about it I miss those times when you were completely dependent on us, but I am so much more excited about what the future holds.
Love,
Dad
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